Sometimes Tallahassee's right. You gotta enjoy the little things.
Even if that means destroying a whole lot of little things.
Smells like perfume?
You don't know who Willie Nelson is? - No.
Willie Nelson. - Yeah, no, I don't.
Yeah, I shave every morning but sometimes...
by like 4:30 I have a thing...
Since this is a freeway.
You can get it upto like 65, but you don't wanna go more than 75.
You don't wanna go more than 20.
Don't worry about it. - I don't want you to drive...
Blind spots, blind spots are for other drivers.
It's like I have never driven it.
So do you never strap in or just...
...when on road trips?
It's just...
...there's zombies everywhere. I think the least of my worries is.
Yeah that's true.
.. seat belts.
Yes but no, she's not. she's not.
She's only famous when she's Hannah Montana, when she's wearing the wig.
Okay, right. - So..
This is kind of freeing. - Yeah.
For the first time in a long time,
we were having fun.
So even though it ran counter to our survival strategies,
we decided to stay together as far as Pacific Playland.
You know I think sleep deprivation is like the number one health problem in America.
No, I think it moth be number two.
Number two.. - That's adorable.
I'm just saying we should find a place to crash.
Oh, I got an idea.
We're in Hollywood, let's sleep in style.
Grab a map.
Come on. - Hurry.
It seems like everyone who has ever been in a movie lives on this block.
What exactly do you think we're doing in the 90210 Sally?
I kind of pictured Tom Cruise living somewhere nicer.
B.. lister compared to who I got in mind folks.
We are going to the Tipi Top of the A-list.
Who? - You'll see.
Hey, here's a big BM.
It ain't Bob Marley.
This place is incredible.
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to La Menzion de Murray.
Oh, Bill Murray
God, no way.
This guy has a direct line to my funny bone, I mean every..
Boy, who's Bill Murray?
I have never hit a kid before, but I mean that's like asking who Gandhi is.
Who's Gandhi?
She's twelve.
No Twinkies. - Shit Bob.
See? I told you we should've gone to Russel Crowe's. No one listens to me.
Hello, inside voices, okay?
At least until we know we are alone.
Hey Tallahassee, Wichita why don't you take that way.
Little Rock come here.
Why do I get stuck with her?
It doesn't seem to end.
Hey come here.
He has his own movie theatre?
Ok, I'm gonna teach you a little something about Bill Murray.
The king slept right here.
Dibs on the bed.
Too soft for me anyway.
Oh, this is so exciting, you're about to learn who you're gonna call.
Ghostbusters.
This is pretty catchy.
Help me with the boots, come on. Help me with the boots.
Ok, I'll get them myself.
www.frendz4m.com
Bill Murray, you're a zombie?
You're not a zombie, you're talking.
You're okay.
The hell, I am.
I'm sorry, I didn't know that it was you-you.
Are you.. What's with the, the get up?
Oh, I do it to blend in.
You know, zombies don't mess with other zombies.
Buddy of mine, make-up guy, showed how to do this.
Corn starch, you know some berries, a little liquish for the ladies.
It suits my lifestyle.
You know, I like to get out and do stuff.
Just played nine holes at the Riviera, just walked on, nobody there.
Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray.
I had to get that out. I don't mean to gush.
This is so surreal, I mean.
You probably get this all the time, well, maybe not lately,
...but I'm such a huge fan of yours.
I mean... I swear,
You know, I've seen everyone of your movies a million times a year.
I- I even love your dramatic roles and...
...just everything.
Six people left in the world, one of them is Bill fucking Murray.
I know that's not your middle name.
But I've been watching you since I was like...
Since I could masturbate, I mean, not that they're connected.
You know "A former greenskeeper about to become the master champion. "
That's why we do it.
I love you Bill, I love you.
Thank you.
You are staring at me, it's a hairpiece it's a..
I'm sorry, no, it's just that you look remarkably like Eddy Van Halen.
I just saw Eddy Van Halen.
Really? - Yeah.
Where? - At the Hollywood bowl.
Well, how was it? - He's a zombie
That's a tough break.
So how about a little west coast hospitality.
Can I get you something? What- what would you like?
Oh, hurry!
Hurry, he's on the ceiling. Come get him.
Light them up Murray. - See you on the other side, Pete.
You're so disgusting.
Don't cross the streams.
I don't wanna cross.. - Don't cross the streams!
35 ft long, weighing approximately 600 pounds.
That's a big Twinkie.
Your sister's single, right?
There's nothing long-distance or anything.
No. - Good, good.
And if she had like...
...like a type, you know, if you can have a type...
What would that be?
She kinda goes for, like, bad boys.
Really? - Yeah.
That's cool.
So Columbus is the scared one? - Yeah, he's like a little bunny.
I'll get him.
Watch this.
It's okay, it's okay. I got him.
Is that how you say hello, where you come from?
Oh, my God!
I can't believe I shot Bill Murray.
Mr. Murray?
I just... Bill I think now.
Bill? - Yeah?
I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this.
Ow, that's still tender.
You think you might pull through?
No.
If it means anything now I am so sorry.
It was just instinctive.
It was my bad.
I was never a very good practical joker.
So do you have any regrets?
"Garfield", maybe.
I'm sorry, he just gets me.
But it still is sad. - Yeah.
Sorry. One second
It's a double-barrel so..
Okay.
3, 2, 1.
You guys want some caramel? - Yes.
Oh, Free parking...
...which coincidentally is the best thing about Zombieland.
No, best thing about Z-land, No Facebook status updates.
You know "Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday".
Who cares.
The best thing is no more flushing, epic.
And worst thing? About Z-land?
You mean other than the fact that I shot Bill Murray?
That's easy.
Losing Bob.
That's his puppy.
I tell you, I never thought I could love anything like Bob
The day he was born I just lost my mind.
Sorry.
He had my personality, my laugh, my appetite,
Laugh?
And that's when it hit me.
I felt so ashamed that it had taken me this long.
Me, with the best cardio in the business to realize...
I wasn't the only one running from something.
We made this wallet together out of Duct Tape.
Take away a man's son,
You've truly given him nothing left to lose.
I haven't cried like that since Titanic.
A hint? Why don't you exhale slowly,
then squeeze the trigger.
Don't make me drink alone. - Okay.
It 1997, "Gor Gorgeous"
I never took French.
Gorgeus day what the hell?
It's a 97? - Yeah.
Was that a good year? - Oh my God.
It was a great year, are you kidding me?, I saw my first R-rated movie that year.
Anaconda. - Oh, Anaconda.
First tattoo, a purpoise.
Really? - Fake.
First kiss.
Scotty Lynch
Did you guys.. use tongue?
Maybe.
Are you jealous of Scotty Lynch? - Yes, I am.
Actually I think I'm jealous of your whole 1997.
Let's see mine.
First orthodontist.
The bastard gave me head gear. Yeah!
I got my first B. - Oh, no!
Frightening, as Anaconda.
Woodshop...
...which doesn't really count as a class anyway.
Had my first school dance.
Oh, thank you. I was Sadie Hawkins...
...girl's choice.
What nobody picked you?
It was girl's choice.
Those bitches! - I know.
No, I will not stand for this.
You know what?
On behalf of all the eight-grade girls,
I would like you to make it up to you.
Relax, Scotty's old news.
I don't even know your name, but this is actually really nice.
You know? Between you, me and
You're actually kind of cute.
You think so?
I mean you got the guts of a guppy, but
I could hit that.
Really?
I'll at least give you the intentional walk to first.
Hey little help movin' a couch.
We're making a fort.
That was probably for the best, cause
I like you, Columbus,
but my sister and I are going to do whatever it takes to survive so...
I was hoping Wichita was just playing hard to get.
But I realized that she had more trust issues than I did.
When I woke up the next day and she was leaving.
You are like a giant cock-blocking robot...
...that developed in a secret fucking government lab.
Hey!
I can't believe I almost kissed him. What's our rule?
Trust no one, just you and me. - Just you and me.
Yeah, you and me.
You have just survived the zombie apocalypse and drove halfway across the country.
Where are you gonna go? - I'm going to Pacific Playland. Woo.
Open Sesame.
This is the problem with getting attached to someone.
When they leave you just feel lost.
Having Tallahassee around didn't comfort me, it just made me feel more alone.
Hey, you weren't exactly gonna score anyway.
You weren't storming the trenches before I came along.
That's why I don't let people close, you only get burned.
You don't say.
Mexico, you know what they call Twinkies in Mexico? Los Submerinos.
That's where I'm headed amigo.
Whatever.
I'm going after Wichita.
You ever read that book "She's just not that into you"?
You can't make yourself too available. - I don't care, alright.
I wanna be with her.
Have fun in Mexico.
Come on! Hurry!
Get in!
Come on, come on!
On the count of three. One, two, three.
Are you okay? Come on.
Hurry, get up.
Come on, let's go.
There!
That's the worst goodbye I have ever heard and you stole it from a movie.
Tell the ladies I said hey.
You know there are pictures of her in someones wallet too.
Hop in the car Evel Knievel. Let's go ride the roller coaster.
Thanks.
Go!
Not as fun as I remember.
Shoot the control box.
Columbus. - Tallahassee.
I think they might actually require our hard assistance this time.
Buckle up. - Yup, I'm wide ahead of you.
Time to nut up or shut up.
Holy shit.
My mama always told me, someday I'll be good at something.
Who'd have guessed that something'd be zombie killin'.
Probably nobody.
Look!
We better start working on our apology.
Up here!
Oh my God!
They're up there, they're okay.
What are you waiting for? - It's your gal.
Come on! - Come get a piece of Tallahassee!
Anybody hungry?
Tallahassee-nice over here.
Come on, come on you ugly bastards.
Holy Shit!
Shit, I'm out of shells.
Here we go.
Wichita! Little Rock!
Oh my God.
Look at this fucking clown.
Of course, it had to be a clown.
No, it had to be a clown.
And it had to be Wichita for me to finally understand
that some rules are made to be broken.
Time to nut up or shut up.
Fuck this clown.
Thanks.
Wichita
Christa.
Ok, we should probably head out, now.
Finally he got to first base.
Not bad for that scrawny little spit-fuck.
Where is
I have a little hunch.
Where are you you spongy yellow delicious bastards? Where are you?
False advertising! - Jesus Christ.
You want a Sno-Ball or something?
www.frendz4m.com
Oh God!
Words cannot express..
It's too soon.
Do you think you can, maybe, just pick out the Buckshot and just kind of eat around it?
No!
That face. That's me realizing that those smart girls
in that big black truck
and that big guy in that snakeskin jacket
they were the closest to something I had always wanted, but never really had.
A family.
I trusted them and they trusted me.
Rule #32: Enjoy The Little Things.
Tallahassee got his Twinkie
and even though life will never be simple or innocent again,
as he savored that spongy yellow log of cream,
we had hope, we had each other.
And without other people, well, you might as well be a zombie.
Thank you so much - You had us going.
So until next time remember...
Cardio, seat belts.
And this really has nothing to do with anything,
...but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody.
I'm Columbus, Ohio...
...from Zombieland saying, Good night.